There are two times in my life that I would classify as the most embarrassing moment.  Firstly, one of them involved a HUGE fart. The second one is what I’m going to tell you now.  It’s a Sea Story that did not happen anywhere NEAR a sea, in fact it happened in Lincoln Nebraska.  You see, Chris and I are from Lincoln originally.  So back when I was a Third Class Petty Officer (E-4), I took some leave to go back to the “Motherland” to see Chris. We were not married yet, so I wanted to spend more time with her.

Crackerjacks!

The Navy also had a program back then to help in the recruiting effort.  It was called the Home town Assistance Recruiting Program, and they would give you an extra 2 weeks of time in your home town as long as you spent your working hours at the local recruiter’s office. 

In doing so you had to be in the uniform of the day. For me, it was the iconic Sailor uniform that everyone knows; Crackerjacks!  Best looking and recognizable uniform in US history!  And the shoes were highly shined gloss black.  You could blind somebody with those babies if the sun was just right. In a relatively small town in Nebraska, believe me; you stick out like nothing else.  You probably wouldn’t get noticed as much even if you were naked.

Setting the story

So my step mom, Kris, worked right across from the Recruiting Office in a bank at the local mall.  Chris, Kris, and I decided to get some lunch and do a little shopping on that fateful day.  It must have been after lunch, because as I remember it, we were in a store looking at things.  And people were looking at me!  Did I mention that I stuck out like a sore thumb in that uniform?  Girls turning their heads, little kids tugging on mom’s blouse, old men tipping their heads, you know, that kind of stuff.  Now that’s not to say that I was not liking the attention!!  I mean, in the words of my wife, I looked “Handsome and Powerful” in that uniform!

So at this point I have to use the head.  Sorry… for you non-Navy types, the “Head” is or term for a restroom. There is a long passageway (hallway for you civilians J) that leads to the head.  I mean it’s about 500 yards long….at least it seemed that long when I was leaving the head.  It was probably only about 100 feet from the store front to the head.  You will see why it seemed so long on the return trip in just a moment.

A simple mistake

I walked down the passageway towards the head and my mind must have been elsewhere, and I SWEAR to this day and forever more, that the sign on that door said MEN.  My first clue that I wasn’t where I thought I was, was that there were no urinals.  I looked around, and nobody was there and I thought to myself, “Hmmm self, this is kind of strange”. But not so strange that I couldn’t go ahead and take care of business, since I didn’t need a urinal fixture for what I needed to do.  I selected the middle stall, closed the door and started the “Ritual”. 

Now, it’s NOT what you think!  Only Sailors who have worn the Crackerjacks KNOW what I am talking about.  The Navy has tons of traditions and one of those traditions is THIRTEEN buttons on the pants of those Crackerjacks!  Takes forever to get your pants down!

The Realization, a most embarrassing moment

So I finally sit down and after a minute or two, I hear someone else come into the room.  At this exact moment I happen to look over and wonder to myself, “Hmmm self, why are there TWO toilet paper dispensers?”  I thought that was kind of weird, but in my relatively short time in the Navy I had seen some weird things.  It wasn’t until that person who came in and sat down, in the stall right next to me, that I had the “awakening”. 

It was with absolute horror that I suddenly put the clues together and realized where I was!  My Crackerjacks are down around my ankles, also my HIGHLY POLISHED dress shoes are almost protruding into the stall next to me.  A state of shock came upon me at this point.  My heart starts pounding. My vision goes to tunnel vision mode. I start sweating and my feet move back into Parade Rest as fast, yet as discreetly, as possible!  I have visions of myself sitting in Jail in my Crackerjacks because I’m now a perv who hangs out in Women’s restrooms.

Damage Control

One thing you learn about early in your Navy career, in fact it’s an integral part of Boot Camp, is damage control. If you’re in battle and the ship takes damage, you must have good damage control or you will sink.  At this point I think I am already sunk, but I kick into damage control mode.  More people have come into the room, and the lady next to me finished her task without realizing that I am sitting next to her.  I mean I’m sure she knew someone was sitting there next to her, but not that it was a GUY.  There was nothing to do but finish what I had started and mentally keep track of all the people coming and going, fearing every moment that I would be caught. 

So, I just listened and mentally counted as people came in and left.  Finally after about 10 minutes of sitting in that stall, I determined that it was safe to attempt my exit, unseen.  I would have made it too, if it weren’t for those damn THIRTEEN buttons!  It took forever, but i got buttoned up and tentatively looked out the stall door to ensure the coast was clear. 

I high-tailed it to the door and was just starting to congratulate myself for an excellent recovery as I was opening up the door to leave.  Oh those poor old ladies!!  There were three of them just reaching to open the door when BOOM, they are staring directly at a Navy Sailor in full dress uniform coming out through the door.  The first lady who is about 6 inches from my face politely says, “OH, excuse us”. She, along with her two companions, turn and walk right into the men’s room.

Get out of Dodge

I never knew what happened to those old gals or if they got an eye full when they walked in on any guys using the facilities.  I heard them exclaim shock and dismay at what they were just exposed to; a man, a HIGHLY identifiable man, just coming out of the ladies room and then all of them walking into the men’s room to find only God knows what. 

In the mean time I am doing my best Olympic walker imitation and trying to get out of Dodge as quickly as possible. Bursting into a full blown sprint, would have drawn lots of attention from the bystanders.

I got into the store where I had left Kris, grab her arm and said, “We gotta go.  We gotta go RIGHT NOW!”  All I can think about is those old ladies coming down the passageway yelling to the Mall Cop, “THERE HE IS!  That’s the PERV!” 

Finally, I do have to say that I am rather proud of my exfiltration from the store.  As I was heading to the nearest door, I kept every clothes rack in sight and every display possible between me and that passageway, and my potential accusers.  So we made it to the car but not without too much more attention.  It was all the normal kind though, not the “Stop that perv” kind.  I still get a chuckle when I think of those old ladies, and I hope they had a good laugh at my expense, God bless em.